Well, I don’t really know how it started. I guess no one can really pinpoint the moment depression “hits”. I can take a few guesses, considering some things that happened on a personal level before, but why some, when life is harder to manage, develop depression is really, beyond me. It was 2013 October or close to that when I was the worst. I didn’t know it then, of course, how could I? I was drinking 24/7 up to 2-5 bottles of wine (2 L). Red wine. Sometimes Rosé. Always dry. I was working incognito as a bar promoter which was a job where people expected me to be a little crazy so nobody really noticed. I moved away from my parents so they wouldn’t notice. My friends didn’t notice I was going through depression, or at that time they didn’t say anything. I did have friends that now I can tell how they were extra careful around me, and this year they actually told me they saw it and they were very worried, but had no idea what to do.

“I was under the impression that all of my friends hang out with me just for pity. That none of them really enjoy my company but they see me as pathetic and I’m the one they invite out of mercy.”

 

Nothings seemed like worthwhile, and I mean nothing. Nothing made sense. I use to have thoughts like, why is this sidewalk even worth it, who the hell though it was a good idea to invent the sidewalk. Ridiculous, absolutely ridiculous thoughts just being negative about each darn thing. I was under the impression that all of my friends hang out with me just for pity. That none of them really enjoy my company but they see me as pathetic and I’m the one they invite out of mercy. I kept reminding myself how my mother isn’t proud of me, how my father doesn’t really love me, how existence is useless, how it surely and absolutely won’t get better ever, how washing myself just wasn’t a task that seemed doable, how no one is truly loved, they all just pretend, they know nothing, I know everything, I see the truth and the truth is that every single thing is futile.

 

“My friends didn’t notice I was going through depression, or at that time they didn’t say anything. I did have friends that now I can tell how they were extra careful around me, and this year they actually told me they saw it and they were very worried, but had no idea what to do.”

I wasn’t sad, I cried a lot but even my cry was more plastic, like I was trying to feel something. I wasn’t sad, I was just a stone looking at this world eyes wide shut. Everything was just cold. If you’ve seen “What dreams may come” the movie, there is this one scene at the end when the wife is fine, but really she’s in hell, she just doesn’t know it. Something like that. One of the worst things was not being able to talk about it, I mean I tried, but no one really seemed to understand what I’m saying.

 

“I wasn’t sad, I cried a lot but even my cry was more plastic, like I was trying to feel something.”

 

How did I overcome this? Number 1, I moved away from my city. This is really just a personal thing that I don’t recommend, but for me, it helped. I started working out in my home, tried to drink less because money was lower being in a new city with a new job and a rent, walked all by myself for hours exploring the new city, started therapy. I repeat: therapy! It started getting a bit better the instant I realized those thoughts are not mine, they are due to an illness, that that is not my truth and that is not who I am. Denying how “real” my negative thought were, doubting how these thoughts were the “truth” was the first step, and I actually remember exactly where I was on the stress and how that thought came to mind, it just felt like a breakthrough, like I was drowning this whole time and never realized I can swim. I was still drowning, but this time I found out there is some breath of air up there.

 

“Denying how “real” my negative thought were, doubting how these thoughts were the “truth” was the first step, and I actually remember exactly where I was on the stress and how that thought came to mind, it just felt like a breakthrough, like I was drowning this whole time and never realized I can swim.”

 

From that moment on I was on a long path to recovery, I’m still on today. However, I am much better. After I realized that living like that was not an option, I tried every single second to control and question my thoughts. Every single thing that came to mind I questioned it. Why do I think this? What if it wasn’t like this? How sure am I? Was it like this 5 years ago? Can I guarantee it’s going to be like this 5 years from now? You get it, questioning everything that came into my mental chatter. It was exhausting, but worth it. I made a decision that IF I’m going to live, I am not going to think that way, because even if I think that way and even if that is the truth that everything is not worth it, there is absolutely nothing productive or functional or adaptive about it, so I chose to live.

“I guess it never fully goes away, but I have learned to overcome it and face my life equipped with the most necessary tool I lacked: self love.”

 

Now, after 1 year has passed since I began to be better day by day, I want to share that it is possible. I have a great job, loving friends and I can picture myself existing in the future. It was a long road, a very difficult road, and I really don’t think I will ever forget that part of me, I guess it never fully goes away, but I have learned to overcome it and face my life equipped with the most necessary tool I lacked: self love.

Written by Deli on 20.12.2016

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1 comments on I proudly say depression is in my past
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    Kirti_bandhu June 17th, 2017 at 1:19 pm
    i'm glad that you did so good to make your life better. your story is really helpful. thank you so much!
    Reply